


the spaces in between

by moosesal



Category: Constantine (2005)
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-25
Updated: 2008-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-26 08:45:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/281029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moosesal/pseuds/moosesal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look at John's life after the movie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the spaces in between

**Author's Note:**

> Written for: Starjette in the Yuletide 2008 Challenge
> 
> For anyone wondering who Ellie is, she's a demon who was in several deleted scenes with John. She ended up with almost no screen time in the final movie. Thank you to Lydia for the last-minute beta on this.

 

A flicker of movement under the sheet, like a snake sliding along. Then a twitch, the covers thrown back, and Ellie's tail is curling up around his neck, pulling his face between her legs. She tastes hot like ash. He wonders for a moment if inhaling her is bad for his health. Balthazar certainly had been.

John's forgotten what humans taste like. Man or woman. He pretends he doesn't care, imagines he'll never taste a real one again anyway.

He appreciates Ellie for what she is. A good time. Nothing more, nothing less. A minor threat to the world. To him, no threat at all. She likes him. Has fun with him. And that tail of hers ... there are advantages to fucking nonhumans. He grins as she traces down his spine to the crack of his ass.

"You might as well have fun," she always says. "You're going to hell anyway." And Gabriel's certainly reminded him more than once that suffering alone isn't going to get John into heaven.

******

He sits on the edge of the bed, flipping his lighter. Open. Closed. Open. His thumb teasing over the striker, not enough pressure to actually light it. He chews his lip, missing the feel of a cigarette. Ellie leans against his back, her fingertips tracing over his tattoo. It's hypnotic, trance-inducing. And then his cellphone is vibrating off the nightstand.

He catches it before it hits the floor. "Constantine ... yeah. Okay ..." -- he checked his watch -- "I can be there in 20 ... yeah." Another "yeah" and he hangs up.

Ellie presses tighter, arms reaching around him as he pulls away to stand. "I've gotta go."

"John," she protests.

"I've gotta go." He won't look at her -- can't look at her -- and he knows she understands why. He doesn't know what to say. There really isn't anything _to_ say. He pulls on his pants and reaches for his shirt.

"You can't give her what she needs."

No, he can't. But she gives him something he needs. She believes in things. In people. In him.

That's something he's trying to become reacquainted with.

*****

It's a job, of course. He doesn't expect anything more from Angela than that. But he's pleased that she called him.

An exorcism. Short and sweet -- nothing as nasty as fighting Mammon or the demons who'd tried to come through before him.

He feels her eyes on him and it gives him strength, focus. Angela looks at him like no one else ever has. Not like Ellie. Or Balthazar. Or any other human, angel, or demon he's ever known. Except maybe Lucifer.

He doesn't like to think about way Lucifer looked at him. Hungry. Wanting.

He crosses himself, puts his hand to the boy's forehead, and begins. _"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti."_

*****

Life was different before.

Before Angela.

Before Gabriel lost his wings.

Before Lucifer took away the cancer.

Before everything changed.

Seeing heaven. Feeling the warmth of God's presence all around him. Then being yanked back to Earth by Lucifer was an experience unlike any other. John finds himself teetering on the edge of belief. He knows God knows he's there -- on that edge -- and that somehow it was the root of his sacrifice whether he admits it or not.

He believes in Angela. He weirdly believes in both Chad and Balthazar -- angel and demon. He believes Gabriel got what he deserved. He probably believes in God. He just doesn't know if he can ever believe in himself.

*****

"John." He turns and is surprised, yet not, to see Balthazar and Gabriel. Together. Hand in hand. Outside a church of all places.

"Gabriel." He nods and gets a small head tilt in return.

"John." A touch of disappointment clear in the way his name is drawn out. "No greeting for me?" While he has nothing real to say to Gabriel, he has even less to say to Balthazar. Isn't even inclined to ask how he's made his return from hell.

"Gabe and I ..." Balthazar starts while rolling a coin along his fingers. "Come home with us?" It's a new coin. John fingers the old one in his right pants pocket. Balthazar's face is directed at his fingers, at the coin, but he's gazing up through his lashes at John's face, his eyebrow raised in invitation. It's a habit he's had as long as John has known him. The look that first drew John to his bed.

"I ..." He can't quite bring himself to decline. Nor can he accept. What would it mean to spend an hour, a day, a _night_ with either of them, much less both?

He goes to Ellie instead.

*****

"Come back to bed."

He stands at the window, staring out. When he'd slipped from the bed he'd pulled his pants up, but left them open, hanging on his hips, hands in his pockets holding them up.

"You think of her when you're with me." Ellie's relaxed, lounging on the bed. Her words matter-of-fact, but John knows there's something behind them. Ellie doesn't like Angela. Doesn't like his attachment to her.

"No," he says. "Not her. Not when I'm with you."

She laughs. "Of course. She's too saintly. Thinking of her while you're fucking me would be ... what, _degrading_?"

He doesn't answer. She's right. But she's not. He doesn't think of Angela because his thoughts are consumed by someone else. He fingers Balthazar's coin in his pocket.

"Come back to bed. I'll do that thing you like. With my tail." He turns to see her curling it in the air like a finger, beckoning him.

He finishes dressing and leaves.

*****

"We'll go slow," he says, a glint in his eye. He's beautiful. Even inside. His dark, damned soul. Balthazar is beautiful.

 _Slow._ It's an offer he's heard before. One he's accepted before.

John doesn't lie to himself. He wants this, wants it more than he can understand. It's an honest want. He isn't drunk or confused about who he's with.

He isn't doing it in some desperate attempt to fill up an emptiness that can never be filled. Or maybe he is.

But he wants it. Of that he is certain.

John wants to touch and taste. Wants to be touched and tasted in return. Wants the truth of sex. Balthasar has never made sex out to be more than it is. He doesn't pretend to love John, doesn't tell him what he thinks he wants to hear. He just lies back on the bed, legs spread, one knee bent slightly putting his body on display. His cock already hard, curving up his stomach, waiting for whatever John is ready for.

He's exquisite and beautiful and only later will John feel ashamed. Right now there is only want. And escape.

*****

They stand just inside the door of Angela's apartment. She called him in on a case, they had a drink after, and when he escorted her home she asked him up. "Come to bed with me." An invitation, not quite a question.

"Angela." He's hesitant. Shy in a way he's never been with other lovers. "It wouldn't be right."

"Why? Because we're not married? Because it's a sin? Because you have some image of me as perfect and saintly and ..."

"No. I --"

"I'm human, John. I ... I want this with you."

He turns away, walks over to the balcony doors, steps out and looks out at the city below. He fingers the coin in his pocket. "You can't possibly imagine what I've --"

"I don't care about your past, John. Nor the future.? He can hear her breathing, deep and calm. "This is about now. Be with me now."

She's behind him, her hands resting on his hips, her breasts grazing his back, her feet nudging his own.

"It's okay. We'll go slow."

He doesn't tell her he's heard that line before.


End file.
